By the time you read this there will only be a few hours to go before the door is firmly slammed shut on the January transfer window - and thank God for that!
Since the last home game here at the Liberty when the Swans' pass masters passed their way past the past pass masters Arsenal (try saying that when you've had a few!), there has been feverish transfer speculation surrounding the Swans' stars.
From Brendan Rodgers down to the Liberty Stadium cat, just about everyone seems to be at the top of other clubs' shopping lists. (Okay, I don't know if there is a stadium moggie at the Liberty, but if there is I bet he's been linked with a move to a luxury cushion in the foyer of the Etihad by now).
Hopefully, by now no one will have gone anywhere. But we all know the last few hours of the transfer window can be the busiest.
So just in case anyone's planning a last minute raid on the Liberty, (and bearing in mind who tonight's free-spending visitors are) here's my "helpful" scouting report on some of the Swans players, specially compiled for any potential buyers.
On the positive side, there's a corker of a centre-half by the name of Caulker, but unfortunately he's not ours to sell, so if you want him you'll have to go and do a deal with a cheeky Cockney chappie who goes by the name of 'Arry. Good luck!
As for the Welsh lads in the team, they're going to pose something of a problem for any club outside of deepest west Wales. Neil Taylor, Ashley Williams and Jazz Richards communicate in a little known Welsh dialect only spoken in Narberth, which has been taught to them by fluent speaker Joe Allen.
The four of them are a bit like those sheepdogs that only respond to Welsh instructions - totally uncontrollable unless you speak the lingo.
Then there's the Monk who plays centre-half, but you may have communication problems with him too. You know, vows of silence etc . . .
And don't even think about buying any of the Dutch or Spanish players at the club. They were brought to Swansea using cash from European Regional Development Fund Grants from the EU.
It would take a machete-wielding army of solicitors 15 years to hack their way through the miles of European red tape before you were even allowed to talk to the players, let alone buy them.
The nippy number 12 and the busy number 7 in midfield, despite reports to the contrary, are in fact two 15-year-old schoolboys with an unnatural interest in triangles and slide rules (according to Lee Dixon and Jason Roberts on MOTD2). They are far too busy studying for their geometry exams to be going off gallivanting around the country signing for other football clubs in search of fame and fortune.
They're only allowed to play for the Swans if they promise to do their homework straight after each game. Come back in 10 years time and perhaps they'll be old enough for you to sign then.
The number 11 may look familiar, particularly to you Chelsea fans, but whoever you think he is, he's not. He's someone else. He's definitely not the chap who used to play for you who goes out with a soap star, scored shed-loads of goals for us in the Championship last season and never misses penalties. The chap your thinking of didn't have that trendy haircut did he? See, proof it's not him.
Anyway, if it was him and you wanted to buy him, I'm sure you'd probably have to pay yourselves some kind of sell on fee, which would get extremely complicated for all concerned and quite possibly against league rules.
In fact, the only midfielder we have that you Chelsea lads might be interested in is a young lad called Josh McEachran. What? You already have a midfielder called Josh McEachran. Wow! What a coincidence! Guess you won't want another one then. That could get really confusing.
And if you've heard stories about the Swans having a free-scoring centre forward on the verge of an England call up, they're not true.
He isn't English any more, he is in fact an adopted Welsh legend, and like all Welsh legends, such as Merlin, Gelert and the Mabinogion, he is a figment of our fertile Welsh imagination and doesn't really exist. So you can't buy something that's not really there now can you? Confused? Good, that's the plan.
And before you ask, the answer is "no". Gower is not for sale either. It's a National Park, Mun. You can't go round buying National Parks even if you are owned by a multi-squillionaire!
But that's enough about the players. If there are any clubs out there who think the manager has pulled off a miracle working with that lot, and may be able to do the same at your club, I'll let you into a few little secrets . . .
All the tactical decisions are actually made by a committee sitting in the East Stand who draw up the tactics on a beer mat in the bar before the match. They then communicate them in coded Welsh song lyrics to the manager during the game.
Why do you think you can hear the Swans fans drowning out every other club's supporters during games? And why do you think we sing Hymns and Arias all the time? Tougher to crack than the Enigma Code it is.
Also, and this is a very little known fact, but while he was climbing Kilimanjaro for charity last summer the boss developed a rare form of agoraphobia crossed with altitude sickness.
As a result he can only leave Swansea once a fortnight, which remarkably coincides with away fixtures. Also, the condition means he mustn't go anywhere near the dizzying heights of the Premiership's top six clubs - unless, of course, it's with Swans.
So any club thinking of trying to temp him away, really shouldn't bother.
However, the East Stand football committee say they will happily sign for anybody in exchange for five pre-match pints and a fish supper from Rossi's, which, of course, will have to be couriered directly to the committee fresh from Swansea immediately after every game along with a DVD of the latest Swans match.
So, there you have it. Anyone looking for a last minute transfer deadline-beating signing, I suggest you put your chequebooks away and go look elsewhere.
And if you're looking for a new manager, there's a half decent gaffer doing wonders at a club just up the road. Scottish he is, I hear one or two of them have done quite well in the Premier League recently.
